You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were ennui and red hot, like two big barrles. Your immediate instinct was to bifacate, but instead you decided to call your friend Sandeep: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wedensday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Tie me to the bed post in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of bud-wies-er to spike up your morning. That Wedensday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -78 Degrees F with a
10% chance of a eath quake.
HEADLINE: latvia, dominian Republic, and
Brittan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: canairy yellow warts located on victim's Canium. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? canairy yellow warts on your Canium?! Yes!
Just then, Sandeep knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Sandeep, I have canairy yellow warts on my Canium. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Sandeep. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Daely Center. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Daely Center. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your canairy yellow warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected Canium slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of doggies, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Sandeep's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed wickedly, after they had left. "I have the extra 63 dollars that I keep in my underware! We can go to the Daely Center with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 14 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and unlikly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the bare confusion, you were certain you infected at least 94 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the chianery crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Sandeep noticed that you were right in front of the Daely Center. Just then, the temperature dropped to -78 Degrees F, and the eath quake broke loose. Plus, the Daely Center was surrounded by 12 hundred firefighters trying to put out a quaint fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Sandeep, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of boisrous monkeys.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your canairy yellow wart covered Canium. "Here, Sandeep! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling quickly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing Caniums and waiting to succumb to the canairy yellow warts.