You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were earthy and gaseous, like two big skulls. Your immediate instinct was to pontificate, but instead you decided to call your friend the illustrious john ryan: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a hump day, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of takillya in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of muay thai to spike up your morning. That hump day needed a punch.
You moved into the galley kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -8 Degrees F with a
65% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: lapland, outer mongolia, and
the kingdom of nimpop have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: bastard amber warts located on victim's talus. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? bastard amber warts on your talus?! Yes!
Just then, the illustrious john ryan knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, the illustrious john ryan, I have bastard amber warts on my talus. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied the illustrious john ryan. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the fullerton. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the fullerton. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, dastardly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your bastard amber warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected talus egregiously.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and the illustrious john ryan's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed unceremoniously, after they had left. "I have the extra 18 dollars that I keep in my bowtie! We can go to the fullerton with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 1.4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and hastily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the poopy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 42 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the ungodly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and the illustrious john ryan noticed that you were right in front of the fullerton. Just then, the temperature dropped to -8 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the fullerton was surrounded by 48 hundred firefighters trying to put out a dogged fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at the illustrious john ryan, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of feminine trees.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your bastard amber wart covered talus. "Here, the illustrious john ryan! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling broken-heartedly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing taluss and waiting to succumb to the bastard amber warts.