You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were draining and troublesome, like two big pillows. Your immediate instinct was to palpitate, but instead you decided to call your friend christine: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of cosmopolitan in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka gimlet to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the parlor, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -32 Degrees F with a
24% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: romania, argentina, and
yugoslavia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: turquoise warts located on victim's belly. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? turquoise warts on your belly?! Yes!
Just then, christine knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, christine, I have turquoise warts on my belly. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied christine. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the damen and division. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the damen and division. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, suddenly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your turquoise warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected belly hesitantly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of wild dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and christine's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed skeptically, after they had left. "I have the extra 4 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the damen and division with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 56 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and aggressively as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the heartsick confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the crimson crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and christine noticed that you were right in front of the damen and division. Just then, the temperature dropped to -32 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the damen and division was surrounded by 29 hundred firefighters trying to put out a impulsive fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at christine, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of modest daggers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your turquoise wart covered belly. "Here, christine! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling violently, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing bellys and waiting to succumb to the turquoise warts.