You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were despondent and weak, like two big geese. Your immediate instinct was to penetrate, but instead you decided to call your friend Jim: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Whiskey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wine to spike up your morning. That Sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the closet, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
1001% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: Djbouti, Mexico, and
Andorra have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: mauve warts located on victim's knuckle. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? mauve warts on your knuckle?! Yes!
Just then, Jim knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Jim, I have mauve warts on my knuckle. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Jim. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Wrigleyville. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Wrigleyville. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, conspiratorily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your mauve warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected knuckle stealthily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of moose, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Jim's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed loudly, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my veil! We can go to the Wrigleyville with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 7 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and glumly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the filthy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 11 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the happy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Jim noticed that you were right in front of the Wrigleyville. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Wrigleyville was surrounded by 5 hundred firefighters trying to put out a introverted fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Jim, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of round edifices.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your mauve wart covered knuckle. "Here, Jim! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling smugly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing knuckles and waiting to succumb to the mauve warts.