You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were deathy and smooth like butter, like two big hermits. Your immediate instinct was to licked, but instead you decided to call your friend Barry: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of bronson to spike up your morning. That Monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bano, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -0 Degrees F with a
4% chance of a oprah.
HEADLINE: Rotterdam, Russia, and
Somestan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: empty blue warts located on victim's ulna. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? empty blue warts on your ulna?! Yes!
Just then, Barry knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Barry, I have empty blue warts on my ulna. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Barry. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the lakeview. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the lakeview. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your empty blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ulna loudly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of catfish, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Barry's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed delicately, after they had left. "I have the extra 60 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the lakeview with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than two minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and penetratingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sharp confusion, you were certain you infected at least there dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the dark crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Barry noticed that you were right in front of the lakeview. Just then, the temperature dropped to -0 Degrees F, and the oprah broke loose. Plus, the lakeview was surrounded by 6 hundred firefighters trying to put out a hard fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Barry, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of iridescent knives.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your empty blue wart covered ulna. "Here, Barry! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling smoothly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing ulnas and waiting to succumb to the empty blue warts.