You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were dark and dank, like two big goose. Your immediate instinct was to leap, but instead you decided to call your friend Chris: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Captain and Coke in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Beer to spike up your morning. That Monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -2 Degrees F with a
4% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: France, Scotland, and
China have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's finger. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 10 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your finger?! Yes!
Just then, Chris knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Chris, I have blue warts on my finger. That means I only have 10 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Chris. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Grandmas House. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Grandmas House. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, joyfully demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected finger sadly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of geese, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Chris's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed smelly, after they had left. "I have the extra 22 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the Grandmas House with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the bright confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the mild crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Chris noticed that you were right in front of the Grandmas House. Just then, the temperature dropped to -2 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the Grandmas House was surrounded by 8 hundred firefighters trying to put out a spicey fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Chris, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of left goose.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered finger. "Here, Chris! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling roundish, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing fingers and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.