You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were dark and circular, like two big horses. Your immediate instinct was to crying running, but instead you decided to call your friend janice: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of whisky sour in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka cranberry to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 666 Degrees F with a
44% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: usa, istanbul, and
ugoslavia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's extra big penis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your extra big penis?! Yes!
Just then, janice knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, janice, I have purple warts on my extra big penis. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied janice. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the matt's house. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the matt's house. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, been demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected extra big penis is.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of ponys, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and janice's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed been, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my pink sparkley fashion bel! We can go to the matt's house with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 17 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and was as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the special confusion, you were certain you infected at least 26 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the friendly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and janice noticed that you were right in front of the matt's house. Just then, the temperature dropped to 666 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the matt's house was surrounded by 27 hundred firefighters trying to put out a foxxy` fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at janice, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of shitty porqupines.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered extra big penis. "Here, janice! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling been, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing extra big peniss and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.