You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were curvacious and ethnocentric, like two big shark fins. Your immediate instinct was to embark, but instead you decided to call your friend Hajduch: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Zima in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Amaretto Sour to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the 24, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -47 Degrees F with a
8,221% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: Argentina, Papa New Guinea, and
Prussia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: butterscotch warts located on victim's areola. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? butterscotch warts on your areola?! Yes!
Just then, Hajduch knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Hajduch, I have butterscotch warts on my areola. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Hajduch. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Giordano's. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Giordano's. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slinkily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your butterscotch warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected areola frantically.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of giraffes, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Hajduch's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed madly, after they had left. "I have the extra 89 dollars that I keep in my brazier! We can go to the Giordano's with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 11 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and discongenially as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the horsey confusion, you were certain you infected at least 12 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the castigated crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Hajduch noticed that you were right in front of the Giordano's. Just then, the temperature dropped to -47 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the Giordano's was surrounded by 366 hundred firefighters trying to put out a gigantic fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Hajduch, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of nasty good staplers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your butterscotch wart covered areola. "Here, Hajduch! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling buxomly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing areolas and waiting to succumb to the butterscotch warts.