You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were curly and plump, like two big poop. Your immediate instinct was to pop, but instead you decided to call your friend Gregg: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Margarita in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Tequilla to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -19853 Degrees F with a
45028% chance of a armageddon.
HEADLINE: Turkey, Istanbul, and
France have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: brown warts located on victim's toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? brown warts on your toe?! Yes!
Just then, Gregg knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Gregg, I have brown warts on my toe. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Gregg. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Ed Debevicks. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Ed Debevicks. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, mockingly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your brown warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected toe amazingly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of mooses, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Gregg's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed flippin, after they had left. "I have the extra 62 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the Ed Debevicks with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 34 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and hastily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the stinky confusion, you were certain you infected at least 96 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the squishy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Gregg noticed that you were right in front of the Ed Debevicks. Just then, the temperature dropped to -19853 Degrees F, and the armageddon broke loose. Plus, the Ed Debevicks was surrounded by 38 hundred firefighters trying to put out a annoying fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Gregg, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of meticulous poop.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your brown wart covered toe. "Here, Gregg! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling poopily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing toes and waiting to succumb to the brown warts.