You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were crunk and sticky, like two big socks. Your immediate instinct was to bang, but instead you decided to call your friend sabuna: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of mai tai in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of blue hawaian to spike up your morning. That thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the 12, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
87% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: japan, taiwan, and
hungary have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: poop brown warts located on victim's catt butt. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? poop brown warts on your catt butt?! Yes!
Just then, sabuna knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, sabuna, I have poop brown warts on my catt butt. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied sabuna. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the big lake. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the big lake. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, saucily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your poop brown warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected catt butt barfily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of lemurs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and sabuna's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed adulterously, after they had left. "I have the extra 76 dollars that I keep in my underoos! We can go to the big lake with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and lazily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the babe meter confusion, you were certain you infected at least 69 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the fugly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and sabuna noticed that you were right in front of the big lake. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the big lake was surrounded by 96 hundred firefighters trying to put out a pretentious fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at sabuna, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of gooey weiners.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your poop brown wart covered catt butt. "Here, sabuna! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling smarmily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing catt butts and waiting to succumb to the poop brown warts.