You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were creepy and greasy, like two big benches. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend John: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of brandy to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -10 Degrees F with a
9% chance of a twister.
HEADLINE: brazil, venezuela, and
spain have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, John knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, John, I have blue warts on my arm. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied John. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the michigan ave. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the michigan ave. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, for demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm by.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of oxen, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and John's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed unto, after they had left. "I have the extra 2 dollars that I keep in my tshirt! We can go to the michigan ave with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 14 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and with as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the speedy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 19 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the hirsuite crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and John noticed that you were right in front of the michigan ave. Just then, the temperature dropped to -10 Degrees F, and the twister broke loose. Plus, the michigan ave was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a pleasing fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at John, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of squeezed beaches.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered arm. "Here, John! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling underneath, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.