You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were creamy and stubborn, like two big cameras. Your immediate instinct was to eat, but instead you decided to call your friend Nick: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Whisky to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -13 Degrees F with a
3% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: Djibuti, Luxembourg, and
Taiwan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: brown warts located on victim's Knee cap. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 1 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? brown warts on your Knee cap?! Yes!
Just then, Nick knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Nick, I have brown warts on my Knee cap. That means I only have 1 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Nick. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the the Green Mill. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the the Green Mill. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, forcefully demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your brown warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected Knee cap tactfully.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of marmots, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Nick's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quickly, after they had left. "I have the extra 43 dollars that I keep in my head band! We can go to the the Green Mill with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 15 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and brutally as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the stuck confusion, you were certain you infected at least 23 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the wholly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Nick noticed that you were right in front of the the Green Mill. Just then, the temperature dropped to -13 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the the Green Mill was surrounded by 9 hundred firefighters trying to put out a shiny fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Nick, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of adjacent computers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your brown wart covered Knee cap. "Here, Nick! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling gently, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing Knee caps and waiting to succumb to the brown warts.