You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were crazy and wild, like two big buildings. Your immediate instinct was to threw, but instead you decided to call your friend gwen: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of martini in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of gin and tonic to spike up your morning. That sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -24 Degrees F with a
9875% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: norway, united states, and
india have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: fuschia warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? fuschia warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, gwen knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, gwen, I have fuschia warts on my arm. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied gwen. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the giardanos. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the giardanos. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, throwing demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your fuschia warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm jumping.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of walrusses, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and gwen's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed huh?, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my panties! We can go to the giardanos with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 7 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and walking as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the lazy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 52 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the ambidextrious crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and gwen noticed that you were right in front of the giardanos. Just then, the temperature dropped to -24 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the giardanos was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a silly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at gwen, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of pessimistic bob's.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your fuschia wart covered arm. "Here, gwen! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling wha?, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the fuschia warts.