You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were corse and sloppy, like two big moose. Your immediate instinct was to drive, but instead you decided to call your friend nick: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tues, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of ole english 40 oz in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of gin and tonic to spike up your morning. That tues needed a punch.
You moved into the den, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -413 Degrees F with a
37% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: albainia, kazahkstan, and
djubuti have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: black warts located on victim's nut sack. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? black warts on your nut sack?! Yes!
Just then, nick knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, nick, I have black warts on my nut sack. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied nick. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the the handcock building. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the the handcock building. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, snidely demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your black warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected nut sack sorely.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of ducks, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and nick's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed swimingly, after they had left. "I have the extra 683 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the the handcock building with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 42 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and distressingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sour confusion, you were certain you infected at least 12 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the rancid crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and nick noticed that you were right in front of the the handcock building. Just then, the temperature dropped to -413 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the the handcock building was surrounded by 54 hundred firefighters trying to put out a silly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at nick, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of bitter apples.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your black wart covered nut sack. "Here, nick! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling annoingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing nut sacks and waiting to succumb to the black warts.