You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were cornecopiesque and perky and murky jerky, like two big armada of saints. Your immediate instinct was to poke, but instead you decided to call your friend God: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a leap year, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of valium in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of tic taX n' oranGE whiskey to spike up your morning. That leap year needed a punch.
You moved into the 4th Quarter tender loin, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 5.23.11.10** 2 Degrees F with a
23498% chance of a winning the lottery .
HEADLINE: uranus, 4th quadrant of the parse, and
the white house have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: invisible warts located on victim's cold chissel. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9.23423443243333333333332 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? invisible warts on your cold chissel?! Yes!
Just then, God knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, God, I have invisible warts on my cold chissel. That means I only have 9.23423443243333333333332 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied God. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Cook County. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Cook County. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, ever so slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your invisible warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected cold chissel ever so patiently.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of humongous blue whales , but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and God's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed plinkly and waftily, after they had left. "I have the extra 100 dollars that I keep in my satchel of huggery! We can go to the Cook County with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 123 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and recalcitrantly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the bulbous confusion, you were certain you infected at least 54 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the scathingly bald crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and God noticed that you were right in front of the Cook County. Just then, the temperature dropped to 5.23.11.10** 2 Degrees F, and the winning the lottery broke loose. Plus, the Cook County was surrounded by 1351437103993415780193457 hundred firefighters trying to put out a bursting bulbation fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at God, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of skull duggered headhunters and oranges.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your invisible wart covered cold chissel. "Here, God! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling queerly and smokily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing cold chissels and waiting to succumb to the invisible warts.