You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were coquettish and redundant, like two big elves. Your immediate instinct was to triangulate, but instead you decided to call your friend Eric Ryden: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Guinness to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the walk-in closet, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -7 Degrees F with a
3% chance of a deluge.
HEADLINE: Liberia, Japan, and
Greenland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's culo. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your culo?! Yes!
Just then, Eric Ryden knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Eric Ryden, I have blue warts on my culo. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Eric Ryden. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Lincoln Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Lincoln Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, rapidly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected culo effervescently.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of wolves, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Eric Ryden's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed lazily, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the Lincoln Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and expertly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the ragged confusion, you were certain you infected at least 9 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the crinkled crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Eric Ryden noticed that you were right in front of the Lincoln Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -7 Degrees F, and the deluge broke loose. Plus, the Lincoln Park was surrounded by 5 hundred firefighters trying to put out a shiny fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Eric Ryden, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of ribald thimbles.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered culo. "Here, Eric Ryden! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling brightly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing culos and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.