You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were cool and slinky, like two big ducks. Your immediate instinct was to skip, but instead you decided to call your friend Cathy: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of merlot in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of martini to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -112 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a hurricane tony.
HEADLINE: England, Italy, and
Poland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: aquamarine warts located on victim's big toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? aquamarine warts on your big toe?! Yes!
Just then, Cathy knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Cathy, I have aquamarine warts on my big toe. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Cathy. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the bucktown. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the bucktown. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, deftly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your aquamarine warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected big toe swiftly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of puppies, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Cathy's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slyly, after they had left. "I have the extra 22 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the bucktown with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 77 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and sickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the wooly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 107 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the lemon yellow crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Cathy noticed that you were right in front of the bucktown. Just then, the temperature dropped to -112 Degrees F, and the hurricane tony broke loose. Plus, the bucktown was surrounded by 5 hundred firefighters trying to put out a sharp fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Cathy, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of quick drawers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your aquamarine wart covered big toe. "Here, Cathy! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling playfully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing big toes and waiting to succumb to the aquamarine warts.