You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were colorful and warm, like two big Dogs. Your immediate instinct was to close, but instead you decided to call your friend Andy: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Jagermeister to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the 203, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: negative seven Degrees F with a
three% chance of a valcano eruption.
HEADLINE: Iraq, Britian, and
Sweden have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's big toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately five hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your big toe?! Yes!
Just then, Andy knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Andy, I have blue warts on my big toe. That means I only have five hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Andy. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Wrigley FIeld. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Wrigley FIeld. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, passionatly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected big toe smoothly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of lions, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Andy's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed sparingly, after they had left. "I have the extra nine dollars that I keep in my shoe! We can go to the Wrigley FIeld with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than ten minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and rapidly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the round confusion, you were certain you infected at least seven dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the bright crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Andy noticed that you were right in front of the Wrigley FIeld. Just then, the temperature dropped to negative seven Degrees F, and the valcano eruption broke loose. Plus, the Wrigley FIeld was surrounded by twelve hundred firefighters trying to put out a dark fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Andy, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of hard clocks.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered big toe. "Here, Andy! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling willingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing big toes and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.