You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were chubby and green, like two big cats. Your immediate instinct was to ran, but instead you decided to call your friend karen: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of grasshopper in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of martini to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 0 Degrees F with a
10% chance of a hurrican.
HEADLINE: italy, germany, and
australia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: brown warts located on victim's penis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? brown warts on your penis?! Yes!
Just then, karen knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, karen, I have brown warts on my penis. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied karen. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the lake. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the lake. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your brown warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected penis rapidly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of monkeys, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and karen's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed boldly, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 million dollars that I keep in my sarong! We can go to the lake with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 22 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and harshly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the nasty confusion, you were certain you infected at least 69 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the shady crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and karen noticed that you were right in front of the lake. Just then, the temperature dropped to 0 Degrees F, and the hurrican broke loose. Plus, the lake was surrounded by 21 hundred firefighters trying to put out a funky fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at karen, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of shiney chandliers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your brown wart covered penis. "Here, karen! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling strictly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing peniss and waiting to succumb to the brown warts.