You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were brown and beautiful, like two big daises. Your immediate instinct was to watch, but instead you decided to call your friend katie: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of jack daniels in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of budlite to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 3 Degrees F with a
100% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: united states, chile, and
new zealand have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: white warts located on victim's finger. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? white warts on your finger?! Yes!
Just then, katie knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, katie, I have white warts on my finger. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied katie. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the illinois. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the illinois. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, wonderfully demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your white warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected finger sadly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of rabbits, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and katie's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed painlessly, after they had left. "I have the extra 24 dollars that I keep in my t shirt! We can go to the illinois with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and lovely as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the shiny confusion, you were certain you infected at least 10 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the tough crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and katie noticed that you were right in front of the illinois. Just then, the temperature dropped to 3 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the illinois was surrounded by 8 hundred firefighters trying to put out a plain fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at katie, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of green paint brushes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your white wart covered finger. "Here, katie! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sleeplessly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing fingers and waiting to succumb to the white warts.