You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were brilliant and fecking, like two big cow. Your immediate instinct was to do, but instead you decided to call your friend Jenny: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of fat frog in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Long Island iced tea to spike up your morning. That Sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -2 Degrees F with a
2% chance of a volcano.
HEADLINE: England, United States, and
Canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's hand. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your hand?! Yes!
Just then, Jenny knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Jenny, I have blue warts on my hand. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Jenny. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Navy Pier. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Navy Pier. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hand dauntingly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of sheep, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Jenny's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed knowlingly, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my knickers! We can go to the Navy Pier with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and jokingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the briskly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 5 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sleepily crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Jenny noticed that you were right in front of the Navy Pier. Just then, the temperature dropped to -2 Degrees F, and the volcano broke loose. Plus, the Navy Pier was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a delicious fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Jenny, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of funny people.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered hand. "Here, Jenny! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling willingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hands and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.