You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were bright and soft, like two big action figures. Your immediate instinct was to bounce, but instead you decided to call your friend Chad: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin and tonic in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Manhattan to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -27 Degrees F with a
576% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: Switzerland, South Africa, and
Belize have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: green warts located on victim's finger. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? green warts on your finger?! Yes!
Just then, Chad knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Chad, I have green warts on my finger. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Chad. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Art Institute. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Art Institute. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected finger loudly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of chinchillas, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Chad's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra 756 dollars that I keep in my t-shirt! We can go to the Art Institute with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quietly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the edgy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 22 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the rough crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Chad noticed that you were right in front of the Art Institute. Just then, the temperature dropped to -27 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Art Institute was surrounded by 42 hundred firefighters trying to put out a wet fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Chad, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of smooth umbrellas.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your green wart covered finger. "Here, Chad! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling heavily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing fingers and waiting to succumb to the green warts.