You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were bright and ornery, like two big worms. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Sarah: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of martini in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the 3W, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -12 Degrees F with a
12% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: luxemburg, brazil, and
monaco have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: grey warts located on victim's breast. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? grey warts on your breast?! Yes!
Just then, Sarah knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Sarah, I have grey warts on my breast. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Sarah. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the bucktown. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the bucktown. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, angrily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your grey warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected breast hastily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Sarah's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed greedily, after they had left. "I have the extra 3 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the bucktown with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 34 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the frosty confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the smallish crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Sarah noticed that you were right in front of the bucktown. Just then, the temperature dropped to -12 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the bucktown was surrounded by 36 hundred firefighters trying to put out a smart fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Sarah, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dull buildings.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your grey wart covered breast. "Here, Sarah! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing breasts and waiting to succumb to the grey warts.