You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were bright and loose, like two big eggs. Your immediate instinct was to jumps, but instead you decided to call your friend kerri: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of wine in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of martini to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the 2, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 33 Degrees F with a
42% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: italy, egypt, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: brown warts located on victim's nose. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? brown warts on your nose?! Yes!
Just then, kerri knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, kerri, I have brown warts on my nose. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied kerri. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the southport. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the southport. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quietly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your brown warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected nose fastly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and kerri's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed somber, after they had left. "I have the extra 26 dollars that I keep in my boxers! We can go to the southport with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 22 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and that as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the blurry confusion, you were certain you infected at least 44 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the blue crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and kerri noticed that you were right in front of the southport. Just then, the temperature dropped to 33 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the southport was surrounded by 88 hundred firefighters trying to put out a fast fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at kerri, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of snowfilled fans.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your brown wart covered nose. "Here, kerri! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling vastly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing noses and waiting to succumb to the brown warts.