You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were blue and scary, like two big dogs. Your immediate instinct was to dig, but instead you decided to call your friend Dave: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of white wine spritzer to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -498 Degrees F with a
92% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: bolivia, lithuania, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: indigo warts located on victim's toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? indigo warts on your toe?! Yes!
Just then, Dave knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Dave, I have indigo warts on my toe. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Dave. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Millenium Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Millenium Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, horribly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your indigo warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected toe sloppily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of mongeese, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Dave's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed lamely, after they had left. "I have the extra 59 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the Millenium Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 37 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and hilariously as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the healthy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 883 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the yucky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Dave noticed that you were right in front of the Millenium Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -498 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Millenium Park was surrounded by 29 hundred firefighters trying to put out a awkward fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Dave, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sunny sandwiches.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your indigo wart covered toe. "Here, Dave! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling photographically, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing toes and waiting to succumb to the indigo warts.