You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were blue and sad, like two big cats. Your immediate instinct was to smack, but instead you decided to call your friend Anna: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of tequila in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of gin to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
3% chance of a bolide impact.
HEADLINE: canada, australia, and
usa have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: green warts located on victim's tit. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? green warts on your tit?! Yes!
Just then, Anna knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Anna, I have green warts on my tit. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Anna. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Oprah's. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Oprah's. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, conscientiously demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected tit stupidly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of tigers, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Anna's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed carefully, after they had left. "I have the extra 2 dollars that I keep in my hat! We can go to the Oprah's with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the silky confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the smooth crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Anna noticed that you were right in front of the Oprah's. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the bolide impact broke loose. Plus, the Oprah's was surrounded by 3 hundred firefighters trying to put out a smelly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Anna, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of special lions.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your green wart covered tit. "Here, Anna! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling quickly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing tits and waiting to succumb to the green warts.