You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were blue and long, like two big chickens. Your immediate instinct was to choke, but instead you decided to call your friend wade: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of absinthe to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -6 Degrees F with a
7% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: france, djibouti, and
zambia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's pelvis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your pelvis?! Yes!
Just then, wade knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, wade, I have blue warts on my pelvis. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied wade. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the wrigley field. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the wrigley field. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, justly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected pelvis unjustly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cows, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and wade's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed swiftly, after they had left. "I have the extra 433 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the wrigley field with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the hilarious confusion, you were certain you infected at least 22 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the slippery crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and wade noticed that you were right in front of the wrigley field. Just then, the temperature dropped to -6 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the wrigley field was surrounded by 527 hundred firefighters trying to put out a lethargic fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at wade, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of pretty walls.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered pelvis. "Here, wade! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling stealthily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing pelviss and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.