You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were blue and horny, like two big ferrets. Your immediate instinct was to snort, but instead you decided to call your friend Sean: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of stoli in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of rum to spike up your morning. That friday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -17 Degrees F with a
two% chance of a monsoon.
HEADLINE: russia, chile, and
sweden have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's armpit. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately two hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your armpit?! Yes!
Just then, Sean knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Sean, I have purple warts on my armpit. That means I only have two hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Sean. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the lake michigan. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the lake michigan. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, like demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected armpit same.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of otters, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Sean's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed go, after they had left. "I have the extra forty dollars that I keep in my pants! We can go to the lake michigan with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than six minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and as as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the giggly confusion, you were certain you infected at least twelve dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sickly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Sean noticed that you were right in front of the lake michigan. Just then, the temperature dropped to -17 Degrees F, and the monsoon broke loose. Plus, the lake michigan was surrounded by seven hundred firefighters trying to put out a wiggly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Sean, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of boring taxis.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered armpit. "Here, Sean! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling at, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing armpits and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.