You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were bloody and unpleasant, like two big reindeers. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend erin: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of hennessey to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4 Degrees F with a
2% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: USSR, Poland, and
Peru have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's weeeen. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your weeeen?! Yes!
Just then, erin knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, erin, I have blue warts on my weeeen. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied erin. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the illinois. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the illinois. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected weeeen quickly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of frog, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and erin's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed hastily, after they had left. "I have the extra 24 dollars that I keep in my breifs! We can go to the illinois with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and rapidly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the hairy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 4 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the ugly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and erin noticed that you were right in front of the illinois. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the illinois was surrounded by 6 hundred firefighters trying to put out a moist fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at erin, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of merry AIDS cells.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered weeeen. "Here, erin! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing weeeens and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.