You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were blep and bloop, like two big bleps. Your immediate instinct was to bleppin, but instead you decided to call your friend Harold: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of merlot in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of gin and juice to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the 5, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a rain.
HEADLINE: afghanistan, azerbaijan, and
antilles have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's hand. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your hand?! Yes!
Just then, Harold knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Harold, I have blue warts on my hand. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Harold. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the montrose beach. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the montrose beach. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, bippy demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hand beppy.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of lions, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Harold's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed um, after they had left. "I have the extra 3 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the montrose beach with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and blimpop as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the blimpoppy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 10 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the warped crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Harold noticed that you were right in front of the montrose beach. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the rain broke loose. Plus, the montrose beach was surrounded by 5 hundred firefighters trying to put out a queasy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Harold, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of wiccaan wiccans.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered hand. "Here, Harold! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling whip, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hands and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.