You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were black and spiked, like two big computers. Your immediate instinct was to through, but instead you decided to call your friend travie pants nelson: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of dachari in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of pina colada to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the water closet, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -8 Degrees F with a
24% chance of a crickets.
HEADLINE: saudi arabia, nicarauga, and
senegal have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: black warts located on victim's thighs. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? black warts on your thighs?! Yes!
Just then, travie pants nelson knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, travie pants nelson, I have black warts on my thighs. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied travie pants nelson. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the hooverville. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the hooverville. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, swiftly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your black warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected thighs gayly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and travie pants nelson's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed haughtily, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my briefs! We can go to the hooverville with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the round confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the flat crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and travie pants nelson noticed that you were right in front of the hooverville. Just then, the temperature dropped to -8 Degrees F, and the crickets broke loose. Plus, the hooverville was surrounded by 14 hundred firefighters trying to put out a lovingly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at travie pants nelson, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of chunky lamps.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your black wart covered thighs. "Here, travie pants nelson! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sexily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing thighss and waiting to succumb to the black warts.