You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were black and shiny, like two big rabbits. Your immediate instinct was to bites, but instead you decided to call your friend kelly: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of wine in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -3 Degrees F with a
11% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: France, England, and
US have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: yellow warts located on victim's ankle. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? yellow warts on your ankle?! Yes!
Just then, kelly knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, kelly, I have yellow warts on my ankle. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied kelly. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the golden apple. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the golden apple. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, patiently demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your yellow warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ankle slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of rhinos, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and kelly's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed pitifully, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the golden apple with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the gross confusion, you were certain you infected at least 24 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the funny crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and kelly noticed that you were right in front of the golden apple. Just then, the temperature dropped to -3 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the golden apple was surrounded by 14 hundred firefighters trying to put out a sad fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at kelly, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of ridiculous books.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your yellow wart covered ankle. "Here, kelly! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling stupidly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing ankles and waiting to succumb to the yellow warts.