You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were billowy and hard, like two big toes. Your immediate instinct was to throw, but instead you decided to call your friend sarah: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wine to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -2 Degrees F with a
7% chance of a monsoon.
HEADLINE: australia, bali, and
egypt have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's belly button. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your belly button?! Yes!
Just then, sarah knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, sarah, I have purple warts on my belly button. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied sarah. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the North Avenue Beach. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the North Avenue Beach. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, sluggishly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected belly button poorly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of sloths, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and sarah's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed keenly, after they had left. "I have the extra 10 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the North Avenue Beach with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the haughty confusion, you were certain you infected at least 4 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the rocky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and sarah noticed that you were right in front of the North Avenue Beach. Just then, the temperature dropped to -2 Degrees F, and the monsoon broke loose. Plus, the North Avenue Beach was surrounded by 6 hundred firefighters trying to put out a high fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at sarah, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of delicious hairs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered belly button. "Here, sarah! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling swiftly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing belly buttons and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.