You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were big and small, like two big dogs. Your immediate instinct was to bark, but instead you decided to call your friend Sarah: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of martini to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -100 Degrees F with a
45% chance of a earth quake.
HEADLINE: USA, Australia, and
China have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's leg. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your leg?! Yes!
Just then, Sarah knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Sarah, I have pink warts on my leg. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Sarah. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Sears Tower. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Sears Tower. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, vagly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected leg shyly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of camels, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Sarah's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed horsely, after they had left. "I have the extra 25 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the Sears Tower with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 5 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and lovely as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the hairy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 9 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the bright crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Sarah noticed that you were right in front of the Sears Tower. Just then, the temperature dropped to -100 Degrees F, and the earth quake broke loose. Plus, the Sears Tower was surrounded by 39 hundred firefighters trying to put out a clean fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Sarah, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of quickly cars.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered leg. "Here, Sarah! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling charmingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing legs and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.