You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were big and puny, like two big buildings. Your immediate instinct was to grow, but instead you decided to call your friend t: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of galliano to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
87% chance of a quake.
HEADLINE: france, usa, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: lime warts located on victim's elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? lime warts on your elbow?! Yes!
Just then, t knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, t, I have lime warts on my elbow. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied t. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the fern street. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the fern street. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quietly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your lime warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected elbow lazily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of kitties, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and t's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed peacefully, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the fern street with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 490 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slyly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the frothy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the new crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and t noticed that you were right in front of the fern street. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the quake broke loose. Plus, the fern street was surrounded by 954 hundred firefighters trying to put out a forthright fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at t, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dreamy beds.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your lime wart covered elbow. "Here, t! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling naturally, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing elbows and waiting to succumb to the lime warts.