You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were big and long, like two big fishes. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Taylor: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the den, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -1 Degrees F with a
23% chance of a lightning strike.
HEADLINE: Guatemala, USA, and
Russia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's head. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your head?! Yes!
Just then, Taylor knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Taylor, I have red warts on my head. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Taylor. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Hyde park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Hyde park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, secretly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected head happily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of birds, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Taylor's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed disgustedly, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my hat! We can go to the Hyde park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 42 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and lavishly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the strong confusion, you were certain you infected at least 12 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sad crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Taylor noticed that you were right in front of the Hyde park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -1 Degrees F, and the lightning strike broke loose. Plus, the Hyde park was surrounded by 19 hundred firefighters trying to put out a miniscule fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Taylor, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of joyously chairs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered head. "Here, Taylor! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling thankfully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing heads and waiting to succumb to the red warts.