You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were big and fat, like two big teeth. Your immediate instinct was to breathing, but instead you decided to call your friend Pat: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of strong bow in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That Sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -1 Degrees F with a
1% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: Canada, Findland, and
France have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: aqua warts located on victim's penis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? aqua warts on your penis?! Yes!
Just then, Pat knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Pat, I have aqua warts on my penis. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Pat. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the University of Chicago. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the University of Chicago. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, cheaply demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your aqua warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected penis smittenly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of mice, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Pat's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed swiftly, after they had left. "I have the extra 3 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the University of Chicago with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 56 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and lousaly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the smelly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the thick crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Pat noticed that you were right in front of the University of Chicago. Just then, the temperature dropped to -1 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the University of Chicago was surrounded by 34 hundred firefighters trying to put out a wet fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Pat, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of green grass.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your aqua wart covered penis. "Here, Pat! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling gaseously, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing peniss and waiting to succumb to the aqua warts.