You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were big and beautiful, like two big dogs. Your immediate instinct was to dance, but instead you decided to call your friend liz: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of martini in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of scorpion bowl to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -50 Degrees F with a
80% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: spain, italy, and
guam have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's boob. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your boob?! Yes!
Just then, liz knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, liz, I have blue warts on my boob. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied liz. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the rush street. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the rush street. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected boob carefully.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and liz's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed boorishly, after they had left. "I have the extra 65 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the rush street with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 5 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the smart confusion, you were certain you infected at least 23 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the small crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and liz noticed that you were right in front of the rush street. Just then, the temperature dropped to -50 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the rush street was surrounded by 17 hundred firefighters trying to put out a furry fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at liz, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sweaty blankets.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered boob. "Here, liz! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling angrily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing boobs and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.