You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were beautiful and shitty, like two big birds. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend oriana: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -965 Degrees F with a
7% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: afganistan, united states, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's leg. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your leg?! Yes!
Just then, oriana knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, oriana, I have pink warts on my leg. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied oriana. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the theatre. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the theatre. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, hungrily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected leg lustily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of chickens, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and oriana's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed maturely, after they had left. "I have the extra 3 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the theatre with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 7 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sexy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 85 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the jealous crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and oriana noticed that you were right in front of the theatre. Just then, the temperature dropped to -965 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the theatre was surrounded by 9 hundred firefighters trying to put out a horrendous fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at oriana, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of ingenious boys.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered leg. "Here, oriana! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling tenderly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing legs and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.