You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were beautiful and red, like two big boxes. Your immediate instinct was to running, but instead you decided to call your friend jp: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of tequila to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
6% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: Canada, US, and
Germany have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's hands. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 1 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your hands?! Yes!
Just then, jp knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, jp, I have blue warts on my hands. That means I only have 1 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied jp. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the bar. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the bar. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, sneakily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hands mincingly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of hamsters, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and jp's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra 30 dollars that I keep in my sweater! We can go to the bar with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 5 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the small confusion, you were certain you infected at least 222 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the pathetic crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and jp noticed that you were right in front of the bar. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the bar was surrounded by 9999 hundred firefighters trying to put out a charming fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at jp, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of brown candles.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered hands. "Here, jp! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling lazily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing handss and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.