You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were beautiful and disguisting, like two big they. Your immediate instinct was to ate , but instead you decided to call your friend Todd: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Mojito in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Fuzzy Navel to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the 15701, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 4 Degrees F with a
28% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: punjab, myanmar, and
iran have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, Todd knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Todd, I have pink warts on my arm. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Todd. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Pizza. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Pizza. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm laggingly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of pandas, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Todd's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed fastidiously, after they had left. "I have the extra 22 dollars that I keep in my chaps! We can go to the Pizza with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the pretty confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sordid crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Todd noticed that you were right in front of the Pizza. Just then, the temperature dropped to 4 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the Pizza was surrounded by 22 hundred firefighters trying to put out a no fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Todd, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of ugly runners.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered arm. "Here, Todd! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.