You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were bad and dirty, like two big cars. Your immediate instinct was to ate, but instead you decided to call your friend ali: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of bacardi to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the 207, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -10 Degrees F with a
6% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: america, canada, and
russia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: green warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? green warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, ali knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, ali, I have green warts on my arm. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied ali. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the madison ave. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the madison ave. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, tasty demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm nicely.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of bears, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and ali's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed violently, after they had left. "I have the extra 2 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the madison ave with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 5 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and repetitively as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the looking confusion, you were certain you infected at least 13 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the large crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and ali noticed that you were right in front of the madison ave. Just then, the temperature dropped to -10 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the madison ave was surrounded by 9 hundred firefighters trying to put out a clean fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at ali, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of hairy walls.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your green wart covered arm. "Here, ali! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling grungy, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the green warts.