You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were angry and ticklish, like two big sepository. Your immediate instinct was to sits, but instead you decided to call your friend Todd: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Monfrituesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of slippery nipple in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Absinthe to spike up your morning. That Monfrituesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -2 Degrees F with a
4% chance of a Todd's Sex Life.
HEADLINE: New Zealand, Bulgaria, and
India have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: sea green warts located on victim's whisker biscuit. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? sea green warts on your whisker biscuit?! Yes!
Just then, Todd knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Todd, I have sea green warts on my whisker biscuit. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Todd. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Char's Vagina. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Char's Vagina. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, sadly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your sea green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected whisker biscuit quietly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of moosen, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Todd's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed strangely, after they had left. "I have the extra 12lfthty dollars that I keep in my Manties! We can go to the Char's Vagina with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 42 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and dorkishly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the retarded confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the poopy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Todd noticed that you were right in front of the Char's Vagina. Just then, the temperature dropped to -2 Degrees F, and the Todd's Sex Life broke loose. Plus, the Char's Vagina was surrounded by 44 hundred firefighters trying to put out a pukey fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Todd, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of lubelicious moose.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your sea green wart covered whisker biscuit. "Here, Todd! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling suspiciously, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing whisker biscuits and waiting to succumb to the sea green warts.