You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were amazing and silly, like two big gums. Your immediate instinct was to bounce, but instead you decided to call your friend Ryan: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of wine in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That Monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -80 Degrees F with a
80% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: Algeria, France, and
Zimbabwe have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's butt. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your butt?! Yes!
Just then, Ryan knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Ryan, I have pink warts on my butt. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Ryan. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the some house. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the some house. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, gloomy demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected butt gilded.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of lice, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Ryan's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed swimmingly, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my hat! We can go to the some house with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 11 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and hastily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the benign confusion, you were certain you infected at least 99 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the celtic crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Ryan noticed that you were right in front of the some house. Just then, the temperature dropped to -80 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the some house was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a great fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Ryan, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sincere pillows.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered butt. "Here, Ryan! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling satisfyingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing butts and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.