You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were Yellow and cowardly, like two big horses. Your immediate instinct was to chose, but instead you decided to call your friend Tim: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Martini in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Pabst to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -6 Degrees F with a
9% chance of a huricane.
HEADLINE: USA, Ukraine, and
Indonesia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: orange warts located on victim's Hand. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? orange warts on your Hand?! Yes!
Just then, Tim knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Tim, I have orange warts on my Hand. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Tim. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Packs house. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Packs house. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, radiantly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your orange warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected Hand crazily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of frogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Tim's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed scantily, after they had left. "I have the extra 9 dollars that I keep in my boxers! We can go to the Packs house with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and likely as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the grotesque confusion, you were certain you infected at least 47 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the crazy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Tim noticed that you were right in front of the Packs house. Just then, the temperature dropped to -6 Degrees F, and the huricane broke loose. Plus, the Packs house was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a large fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Tim, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of cumbersome balls.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your orange wart covered Hand. "Here, Tim! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling egotistically, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing Hands and waiting to succumb to the orange warts.