You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were Ugly and silly, like two big cats. Your immediate instinct was to ate, but instead you decided to call your friend Pete: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -575 Degrees F with a
99% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: USA, Canada, and
greece have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: puce warts located on victim's hand. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? puce warts on your hand?! Yes!
Just then, Pete knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Pete, I have puce warts on my hand. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Pete. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Lincoln Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Lincoln Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, sadly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your puce warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hand gently.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of fish, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Pete's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quickly, after they had left. "I have the extra 666 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the Lincoln Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 20 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the bright confusion, you were certain you infected at least 12 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the nasty crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Pete noticed that you were right in front of the Lincoln Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -575 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Lincoln Park was surrounded by 758 hundred firefighters trying to put out a hard fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Pete, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of freightening tables.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your puce wart covered hand. "Here, Pete! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling badly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hands and waiting to succumb to the puce warts.