You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were Skinny and loud, like two big scissors. Your immediate instinct was to jump, but instead you decided to call your friend stiffy: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wine to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
3% chance of a Flood.
HEADLINE: Afganastan, Turganistan, and
Dubi have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: Purple warts located on victim's penis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? Purple warts on your penis?! Yes!
Just then, stiffy knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, stiffy, I have Purple warts on my penis. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied stiffy. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the boy's town. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the boy's town. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, shyly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your Purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected penis excitedly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of salamanders, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and stiffy's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed stupidly, after they had left. "I have the extra 22 dollars that I keep in my Bra! We can go to the boy's town with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and Stealthily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the gigantic confusion, you were certain you infected at least 32 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the small crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and stiffy noticed that you were right in front of the boy's town. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the Flood broke loose. Plus, the boy's town was surrounded by 11 hundred firefighters trying to put out a smelly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at stiffy, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of tiny women.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your Purple wart covered penis. "Here, stiffy! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling quickly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing peniss and waiting to succumb to the Purple warts.