You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were Sexy and scary, like two big nurses. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Dana: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Corona in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Smirnoff to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -7 Degrees F with a
7% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: Afgan, Iraq, and
Iran have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's butt. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your butt?! Yes!
Just then, Dana knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Dana, I have red warts on my butt. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Dana. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Hard Rock Cafe. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Hard Rock Cafe. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, fast demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected butt hard.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of tigers, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Dana's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slow, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the Hard Rock Cafe with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 7 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and sweet as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sexy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 7 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sad crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Dana noticed that you were right in front of the Hard Rock Cafe. Just then, the temperature dropped to -7 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Hard Rock Cafe was surrounded by 7 hundred firefighters trying to put out a happy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Dana, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of smiling doctors.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered butt. "Here, Dana! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling hot, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing butts and waiting to succumb to the red warts.