You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were Maladroit and Nubile, like two big Terrorists. Your immediate instinct was to rot, but instead you decided to call your friend Dan: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Scotch in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of gin to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the 304, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -13 Degrees F with a
47% chance of a Earthquake.
HEADLINE: Portugal, New Zealand, and
Bangladesh have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's armpit. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 10 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your armpit?! Yes!
Just then, Dan knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Dan, I have red warts on my armpit. That means I only have 10 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Dan. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Loyola. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Loyola. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, blithely demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected armpit aggressively.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of puppies, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Dan's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed suddenly, after they had left. "I have the extra 13 dollars that I keep in my Ascot! We can go to the Loyola with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and Swimmingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fluffy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the delicate crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Dan noticed that you were right in front of the Loyola. Just then, the temperature dropped to -13 Degrees F, and the Earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Loyola was surrounded by 2398 hundred firefighters trying to put out a stinky fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Dan, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of genuine toenails.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered armpit. "Here, Dan! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling mind-scramblingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing armpits and waiting to succumb to the red warts.