You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were Dirtbag and Jackass, like two big pogosticks. Your immediate instinct was to bounce, but instead you decided to call your friend Rob: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Old Style in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Beam and Coke to spike up your morning. That Monday needed a punch.
You moved into the Bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5.67893 Degrees F with a
77% chance of a Flash Flood.
HEADLINE: France, Germany, and
Italy have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: Green warts located on victim's Cock. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? Green warts on your Cock?! Yes!
Just then, Rob knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Rob, I have Green warts on my Cock. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Rob. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Hamlin Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Hamlin Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quietly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your Green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected Cock quickly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of Bunnies, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Rob's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed messily, after they had left. "I have the extra 88 dollars that I keep in my panties! We can go to the Hamlin Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sexy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 10 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the Ginormous crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Rob noticed that you were right in front of the Hamlin Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5.67893 Degrees F, and the Flash Flood broke loose. Plus, the Hamlin Park was surrounded by 17 hundred firefighters trying to put out a prickly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Rob, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of smooth ice cream trucks.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your Green wart covered Cock. "Here, Rob! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling retardedly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing Cocks and waiting to succumb to the Green warts.